Shame on you, shame on me

How many times have we heard that said—or said it ourselves, either in jest or seriously when someone does something we think is wrong? I was in a fast food restaurant this week and couldn't help but overhear the conversation at a table nearby. A frazzled and tired mother and father sat with their children, trying to get through dinner quickly and get on with their evening. The mother looked over at her son, probably 7 or 8 years old, and though she did not say the words "shame on you," she might as well have. The boy, being a typical boy, had somehow gotten his nice white shirt dirty. "Look at you! You've ruined that white shirt! Why can't you keep clean?" She went on and on for awhile, obviously frustrated. I cringed at her tone, feeling bad for both the little boy and for her. That ruined shirt was no doubt the last straw for the tired mom, but the little boy had been made to feel ashamed about something he probably didn't even know that he done.

So what is the big deal about shame? Isn't it okay to "shame" someone when they do something wrong? That is what parents do to make their children behave and conform to acceptable behavior, right? Teachers and bosses do it as well many times; it is often an effective way to get someone to do what is desired.

It is important to correct behavior that is inappropriate, of course. The problem comes when someone is made to feel that it's not what they did that was wrong, but rather they are somehow wrong, there is something inherently wrong with them as a person. That is what shame is: a sense that it is not just my behavior that is wrong, it is who I am that is wrong, down to the very core of my being. I feel not just dirty, but stained beyond cleaning, ruined like the little boy's white shirt. And what do you do with a ruined shirt? You throw it out or use it for a rag; it no longer has any value or worth.  

I have talked before about the need to love myself before I can love others. If I have this sense of being ruined, stained beyond cleansing, how can I begin to love myself or believe that anyone else could ever love me? No amount of positive thinking, good though that is, or work on  my part can erase that sense of being stained. The stain from shame goes much too deep.

It takes something extraordinary to remove that stain. It takes something or someone who can wash me on the inside, so that I can feel clean and valuable once again. I have found that someone in Jesus; he can remove the stain of shame and make me feel pure and clean, able to love and forgive myself and others once again. There is no stain that is so deep, so impossible that he cannot remove it. So there is no shame on you or on me any longer when we follow Jesus and allow him to cleanse us.

November 25, 2007